I want to start this blog out saying that I am fine. I don't take anything people say personally. I know that most people have good intentions, so I typically just take the love and leave the unintentional offense behind. That said there are things I would highly advise not saying to other grieving parents in the future. These are all things multiple people I know who have had experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss have told me they have been told, and they all agreed they are wouldn’t like to hear again.
1. "At least you know you can get pregnant. You can just try again!"
Just "try again" makes it sound like the individual spirit that came and left way too soon is inconsequential. That baby was a unique individual and they mattered. The couple might be able to have another baby, but that doesn't replace the baby they lost.
It also isn't simple to just try again. Some people have a hard time getting pregnant and the emotional toll of trying month after month is impossible to understand unless you have been there. Other people have had losses that you might not know about. These losses change how they view pregnancy forever. Even if the person has a clear history of delivering healthy, happy babies, pregnancy is not easy. The puking, aches, pains, migraines, and a million other things are worth it when the end result is a healthy baby, but what about if there isn't a baby to take home after months of suffering and sacrifice? “Trying again” isn’t simple.
Several people made this comment to us before Cayden's body was even in the ground. We know they were trying to be comforting, but the idea of another pregnancy gives me a panic attack. I have been pregnant 4 times, and I only have two children here on earth. I know if we decide to have another that it will be a hard pregnancy emotionally. I do have some serious PTSD. I know every single thing that can go wrong with a pregnancy and that fear will be a dark cloud over any future pregnancy if we even get a prompting from God that is strong enough to convince us to muster up the strength to “try again”..
2. "At least you have a healthy child here now."
Parents who have children on earth and in heaven know how blessed they are to have a child on earth, especially if that child is happy and healthy. That doesn't magically take away the grief they feel.
I know that my girls keep me busy enough to distract me from my grief during the day most of the time. I am grateful for them every single day, but I still want Cayden in my arms. I still ache to know what kind of big sister Brielle would be and I ache as I see Allison struggle to understand where her brother went and why.
3. "They are in a better place."
I think the "better place" comment might bring comfort if the person who passed away was in pain before they died, but many people don't find this sentiment comforting. I am sure heaven is wonderful, but I don't think any place is better for a child than their parent's arms.
4. "What went wrong?"
You really need to have the right kind of relationship to ask this question. This can be super triggering. It is probably better to just let that person know that you are happy to listen if they want to talk.
5. "I bet your next baby will be another boy (or whatever gender they lost)."
This goes back to #1. You can't just replace a human life with a new life. It isn't that simple.
To be honest, this is the one comment that really rubs me the wrong way. I don't know if we will ever be ready to try again. If God clearly makes it known that we need to bring another spirit into this world, we will follow through, most likely. But it really does give me a panic attack to think about. It also rubs me the wrong way because God doesn't just give random people revelation for other people. I don't know if we will have any more kids so you certainly don't know it will be a boy.
6. "Everything happens for a reason." or "God has a plan."
The not understanding the reason and the plan God has can keep grieving parents up at night for years.
7. "How do you even get out of bed each morning?" Or “I don’t think I could live through the nightmare you are going through.”
These comments and ones like them are just unnecessary. It can make that person feel even more isolated in their experience and can make them feel like you are judging their process. Does functioning on some level make it seem like they didn’t love their baby enough? You only see what that person allows you to see and maybe not even that. Maybe they need to be at work because the routine is what keeps them going. Maybe they don't have the option to stay in bed because they have kids to clothe and mouths to feed. Maybe their house is a mess and they have missed enough work that they aren’t sure how they are going to pay rent.
8. "At what point are you going to finally move on?" or "You can't avoid these things forever."
It is hard for someone who hasn't experienced the loss of a child to understand how that grief never goes away, but it doesn't go away. It just might get easier to live with, but it is still there. Things that don’t even make sense can trigger it. You don't get to judge anyone else's grieving process. If they are making decisions that are dangerous to the health of themselves or others making sure they are getting the right kind of help is necessary. If they are simply avoiding triggers, like hospitals, pregnant women, or children that would be the same age as their own, let them. They have enough on their emotional plate without you adding guilt or judgment.
9. "I know how you feel."
Unless you actually experienced the same thing, you don't. Losing a grandparent is hard, but it isn't the same thing. Getting a divorce is hard, but it isn't the same thing.
10. "You must be so special for God to have picked you to be the parent of an angel."
It's hard to explain why this one rubs so many grieving parents the wrong way. Many grieving parents wonder if they could have done something differently to save their baby. Many of them feel like they failed their child. This just makes some people feel worse.
11. "God wouldn't put you through this unless you did something wrong. You should figure out what you did wrong and repent before you try again."
Anyone with commonsense would know that you shouldn't say something like this to a grieving parent, but grieving parents have heard this. Just don't. Bad things happen to good people all the time. Have you read about Job in the Bible?
13. “Did you see that Susie is pregnant? And Sharon had her baby!”
Grieving parents would not wish a similar loss on anyone... but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to see other people blessed with something they had taken away. It might be considerate to give them a heads up before making your own pregnancy or birth announcement, but they don’t need to hear about every single person’s baby.
14. “This world is really scary right now. Maybe it’s a good thing your baby isn’t here.”
Yes, the world is a scary place, but there is no “good” reason for a baby to have died. Yes, the world is scary and dark right now, but if my baby was here the world would be a little brighter and happier... at least my world would be.
I know reading a list of what not to say might make you scared to say anything at all. I would like you to know that if you have said something to me on that list, I don't have any hard feelings. Don’t let the list scare you away from reaching out to people who have experienced loss. The love and support extended really do help. It is especially nice when someone remembers and reaches out down the road when it feels like the rest of world has moved on and forgotten.
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