Considering it has only been 7 weeks, I feel like Eric and I are managing really well. He is back at work fulltime. When he isn't working, Eric is at the gym or spending time with us as a family. Since Eric has such a hard work schedule right now, I want the time he has at home to be quality time as a family so I have been making sure there aren't messes around the house he feels he needs to take care of. I have surprised myself with how well I have been keeping up with even dreaded chores, like dishes and laundry, while also tackling things that tend to be neglected, like cleaning the fridge or organizing closets, all while working from home when the girls are sleeping or playing with Eric on his days off. On top of all that, I have also made it a priority to be present with the girls. They are currently obsessed with any craft that involves glitter, and they are usually a little too helpful in the kitchen. Well, Allison is a great helper. She has a big heart and loves feeling like her hard work made my life a little easier. I love how proud she is when she sees the results of her hard work. Brielle, on the other hand, is... 2. She likes to eat shredded cheese out of the bag (making a huge mess), plays in the sink, climbs everything, and tries to touch everything that is sharp or hot. She definitely keeps us busy, but she is becoming a great friend to Allison. Nothing is better than watching them play elaborate games of imagination together.
By all accounts, I am doing much better than I expected I would be doing. Right after we lost Cayden, I couldn't hide in my bedroom all day because we had a funeral to plan. It was incredibly hard, but it forced me to run errands and get out of the house. I thought once there weren't things that I had to do, I would crawl back into bed and let the darkness swallow me up. It is hard to imagine going back to the routine of normal life when grief is fresh, but I still have two children on earth who need me and a husband who loves me. With their help, I have found a new "normal" and we are doing okay.
I think that because we have returned to a regular routine that people who haven't gone through this think we are moving on. You don't move on from something like this. You move forward with it. Grief and healing aren't linear. Somedays, Allison asks a dozen times why Cayden had to go to heaven and what he is doing there that is so important that he didn't get to stay on earth with us. Sometimes a song comes on in the car and Eric hears the lyrics differently than he used to, and he cries alone in the car. Somedays I am fine until everyone else is asleep, and I find that instead of falling asleep I am reliving January 6th. Other nights, I distract my empty arms by cleaning, organizing, and decluttering for hours. Some nights I write blog posts about everything I am feeling and then erase them or leave them unpublished because I don't think I explained myself well enough and I don't want to worry anyone. Many nights I sneak into the girls' bedroom where I can finally fall asleep. So yes, we are functioning, we are okay, but it isn't a simple process.
I wonder if things would be a little easier if I could just feel a connection with Cayden and with God. I desperately crave that connection and the reassurance from a higher power that there is a plan, but I just don't feel it right now. I can see tender mercies from God. I can remember past spiritual experiences. I know that I have a loving Heavenly Father, but right now I can't feel it. To be honest, I was slacking off on doing the daily things to build and maintain that relationship, so I know the lack of connection is on my end. I desperately want to feel the peace and love that only comes from Christ, but I also can't let go of the last of my anger and bitterness with God.
To understand where I am, you have to realize that I did not want to get pregnant last year. I felt my hands were full with the girls and that I needed a little time to remember who I am besides "mom". Eric and I hadn't felt a push from God to bring another spirit into this world like we did with the girls. I was using birth control and it failed. I felt blindsided, but I trusted that this baby needed to come to earth at a very specific time for a reason. I knew that it would all make sense one day. I knew that as soon as I held Cayden in my arms I would be overcome with love for him and wouldn't want to change a single thing. But then, God took Cayden away. He gave us Cayden before we were ready, made us love him, and then, took him away. I feel robbed.
I know this post probably makes it sound like I am not doing well. There is no need to worry about me. Most of the time, I really am fine, and I have made progress. I no longer wish that this entire last year never happened. I would still have Cayden on earth with us if I could, but I no longer wish that my grief would take me out of this world. I no longer wish that I had never gotten pregnant at all. I would go through this all again for the chance to have Cayden in our family forever. I am grateful for the plan of salvation and my knowledge of it. I am grateful that Christ willing came to earth, suffered for each of our sins and pains, and made it possible for us to return to our Father in Heaven. I am grateful for temples. I know that because Eric and I chose to marry in the temple that we can have an eternal family if we live up to our covenants, and I am grateful for that. I am blessed to have Eric as my eternal companion. He is thoughtful, patient, and understanding. Eric doesn't judge me for my unfiltered thoughts and he supports my grieving process, even though it is different and slower than his own. Despite the struggle and the ups and downs, I know I have a lot to be thankful for.
