Is This A Faith Crisis?

I have always been blessed with what I have called "easy faith". In high school, I had many friends trying out different churches, separating out their personal beliefs from their parents, and questioning whether a higher power was even out there.  I was happy for my friends who found spiritual homes and I ached for my friends who were struggling to find answers to their questions. I loved talking to my friends about religion and discussing our different beliefs. I always felt and still do feel that God cares more about what kind of person we are than what church we go to, so these conversations usually just helped my friendships grow as we understood each other better.

Watching all these spiritual journeys made me realize that I had never really questioned the religion I had been raised in. I had prayed before my 8th birthday for confirmation that I should be baptized, but that was really it. It seemed strange that at 16 I hadn't felt the need to ask again, and I couldn't very well trust the faded memory of the experience of my not even 8-year-old self. I didn't feel lost or confused, but I decided that in order to continue sharing my religious views with friends, I needed to do what my church tells their investigators to do: Read the Book of Mormon and pray to know if it is true. I knew the stories in the Book of Mormon and I had started reading it a dozen times, but I had never actually read it cover to cover. 

It took a couple months, but I finished the entire Book of Mormon. When I prayed to know for myself if the Book of Mormon was the word of God, I heard in my head "You already know." When I asked if the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was the right church I heard "You already know. You've always known." My heart felt warm. Then, I remembered various times that I had felt the spirit in my life. I knew I had my answer.

After that, I turned to God every time life got hard or confusing. When my heart broke when the boy I thought I was going to marry suddenly broke up with me, Heavenly Father let me know He had a better plan. When I was overwhelmed and confused as I tried to pick a major, He answered me with an article in a church magazine. When I was dating a new boy who was having a hard time committing, God told me to hang on and have patience, but that he was the one. When I struggled with health issues that doctors were less than helpful with, God promised me that I would find healing. When I had a miscarriage, I felt God's guiding hand. When motherhood was harder and more isolating than I could have imagined, Heavenly Father reminded me that I was doing exactly what I was supposed to and He put a couple great friends in my life. Every. Single. Time.  I struggled, He answered me. The answers weren't always immediate. Sometimes it took a couple weeks of searching on my part. Sometimes the answers were vaguer than others. Often the answer was simply a warm feeling and the thought 'Trust me. I've got you." But there was always an answer.

But He is silent right now. No warm feeling. No voice saying "I've got you." No reassurance that God has a plan for me. No scripture verse saying exactly what I need to hear. Nothing...

and it freaking sucks. 

I know the saying "The teacher is always silent during the test." I know the story of Job. I know that my past spiritual experiences were real. I know the church is true. I know my Heavenly Father loves me and has a plan for me. I am also very aware that it is hard to feel the spirit and receive answers to prayers while still hanging on to angry and bitter feelings to God. I just desperately want Heavenly Father to assure me that Cayden's short life mattered. I need to know that this heartbreak isn't for nothing. I want confirmation that Cayden knows we love him. Truth be told, I feel entitled to these answers... which doesn't help the bitter feelings.

I know it's unlikely that God will send Cayden to me in a dream to let him explain to me what he is doing now and why he couldn't stay. I know that some answers don't come in this life. I believe I could come to terms with unanswered questions if I could just get a little reassurance from God that He hears me.

While I wait, I will hold on to the promises Heavenly Father made to me in the temple and in my patriarchal blessing. I will hold on to the memories of every time I felt the spirit and had my prayers answered in undeniable ways. I know if I do my part, Heavenly Father will keep those promises, I will be with Cayden again, and the silence will eventually give way as I let go of my anger... but it is going to take time.