20 Weeks

Thursday, I reached the half way point of this pregnancy! I can't believe it. I guess because Eric and I kept this pregnancy hidden for the first 15 weeks, it did not feel real that first trimester. Now, it definitely feels real. I have traded in my fitted jeans for sweat pants and nausea for frequent movements and growing pains. Don't misread that though. That was not a complaint. I would rather have growing pains and restless nights due to baby movements than needing to walk around with a bucket constantly. Eric would probably agree that he is happy with the change too. Although he wasn't too thrilled when I woke him up at 6 the other day, because I had a muscle cramp .

Moving on though, we have finally scheduled our gender revealing ultrasound and are super excited. It will be on the morning of the 10th, but we might keep people waiting several hours so we can take a cute picture to announce. No one has had to wait as long as Eric to find out so a few hours won't hurt anyone. I still feel like it is a girl though... and I may have gotten into Eric's head too. The other night when we were praying together, when he prayed for the baby's health he used female pronounces. After the prayer was over, he sighed and said that he thinks it is a girl too. I guess only time will tell, but either way we will be thrilled. If it is a girl though, I know Eric will be totally wrapped around her finger. She will probably be a handful, but if I could teach our daughters one thing it would be their individual worth as daughters of God. That one lesson can change everything. Eric will probably be the one who can help with that the most. I remember him helping me solidify that lesson not long after we first met.

In high school, I felt special. I was different, and people could see that. I felt like what made me special was the fact that I was Mormon, so when I got to BYUI, I felt like I had lied to myself. I wasn't truly special. Here I was, suddenly, surrounded by hundreds of girls who believed the same things I did and living the same way too. Someone really should warn you that going from being one of the only Mormons in your school to one of thousands it is a bit of a shock. You imagine it to be like EFY on steroids, but the novelty of being with lots of Mormons your own age fades away quickly. That is when you start to realize that there are a ton of people living the same life as you, but they seem to be doing it better. Luckily, God knows what He is doing, and He puts the right people in our lives at the right time. Eric had already become a frequent guest to our apartment, so he could tell when something wasn't right. He has the special ability to see everyone as children of God, so he see everyone as having their own personal potential. One day, he walked to the temple with me and had me read my patriarchal blessing looking for my gifts and other things that were specific to me. I highlighted them and wrote in my journal about it. It was amazing how a half hour changed my perspective, and even though, the sprinklers turned on, causing a major interruption, it is a lesson I don't think I will forget. Eric definitely won't let me.

The point of my tangent is that even though the idea of trying to raise teenage daughters is overwhelming with society's pressures, Eric is definitely the right person for the job. I keep reminding us that they don't come that complicated to begin with. They need to eat, sleep, be changed, and be loved. We will learn with them, and God won't lead us astray.

I am not sure why this post went the direction it did. The point of this post was to say that everything is going right on schedule. Our baby is measuring right on track and has a strong, quick heart beat. I am doing well and only have the normal side effects of trying to grow a human. I just feel so blessed to have this opportunity, even if it is sometimes harder than we anticipated, and I am so lucky to have Eric making this journey with me.

What I Meant to be a Short Note on Marriage

I got married a couple months before my 21 birthday. I heard all kinds of reasons why my decision was crazy. "What are you going to toast with at your wedding? Grape soda?" Mormon here so being over 21 wouldn't change what we would toast with, but thanks for the concern? "People change sooo much in their 20s. How do you guys know you will still want each other then?" "How can you choose to spend the rest of your life with someone you haven't live with or even slept with?" "People who choose to marry before 28 are literally throwing their lives away. What about travel and self discovery?" "You have to fall in love a bunch before you know what you truly want in a spouse." I had several 'friends' from high school make passive aggressive facebook posts about how dumb 'people' are who chose to marry before whatever age they demeaned appropriate and had some friends who just straight out cut off all contact. It's all good.

While living in Georgia, I worked at Toys R Us/Babies R Us. Often when people noticed my wedding ring and looked back at my face, they would look at me confused or with judgment. I know I am young, but I have been told that I look even younger. Often times, these people would go on to let me know that they assumed I must have a child or two already. Why else would a young person choose to marry?

Well, I can say that there are so many reason why I decided to get married and why I still choose to stay married. It was and is the right decision for Eric and me, I would not change a single decision that I made that led me here and I can safely say that Eric feels the same way. Well actually if he could change anything, we would go back and get married sooner. lol

Some of my friends were afraid that I would regret the things I would miss out on by getting married so young. As a Mormon, I feel that a lot of the things people think I would be missing out on are things I wouldn't be doing anyways. Partying, drinking, hooking up, and ect. are not things I ever wanted. Traveling the world, experiencing new ideas and cultures, and other things that you "simply must" experience are things that marriage doesn't stop you from experiencing. If I  really wanted to spend a semester in Europe, Eric would have worked his butt off with me to make it happen. We have plenty more time to see the world and plan on serving missions as a cute, old couple. For now our desire to start a family is a bigger priority to us, and if anything can change the way you see the world, it is having a child.

The biggest concern for a lot of people when it comes to getting married young is that one day you might wake up and find you are not the same person you were when you got married and that neither is your spouse. In the year and a half that Eric and I have been married, we have both changed a lot and in terms of marriage, we understand that we haven't really been married a long time. We are not the same people we were a year and a half ago, and thank goodness we aren't! People are meant to change and grow, but you can decide what direct you want to grow in. Eric and I are so much closer and more in love than we were then. We make spending time together a priority. It doesn't have to be an expensive date or big gesture. It is more about having that time together alone where we can laugh, talk, re-prioritize, and come to understand the other better. It is important to us to keep learning about each other, because we are still changing. We are also making reading scriptures together and praying together a priority. I think that is why we have grown closer.

Love is a living thing. It needs to be nurtured. Like the quote above by one of my favorite apostles, Dieter F. Uchtdorf, it is your duty to work on your marriage and keep it going. It is a conscience decision that you get to make everyday.

When you both make the decision to stay together, forever and work to make that happen, something amazing happens. You find that he is trying his best to take care of and love you and you are doing the same for him. You both give everything you have to the other person and it changes both of you for the better. Both of you find your needs are taken care of by the other and have more time to spend focusing on the other. It is truly a blessing.

This past week, I was sick and anyone who has been sick while pregnant knows that is is a miserable experience. You can't go to the normal medicines for help and have zero energy to take care of yourself. Eric was truly amazing during the whole thing. He ran to the store a dozen times and talked to my doctors about what things he could do to help me. He made sure I had plenty of things to eat, and before leaving for work made sure I had a drink near by, as well as all the other things that might possibly bring me some relief. He cleaned the entire apartment, and I never had to ask him to pitch in. He was ahead of me and my needs. He is exactly what I need in my life and I am grateful everyday that Heavenly Father sent this wonderful man into my life.

 Below is a link to President Eyring's talk at the Vatican on the union between man and a woman. He talks about how he and his wife wanted all the blessings that eternal marriage could give them, so they acted to make them happen. Since their marriage 52 years ago, he says he has become a better person and that they became one over time. Their differences made them better together and they have been able blessed their children with a testimony of how enriching marriage can be. Marriage is the ideal environment to learn, grow, and stop selfish tendencies. It has been seen over and over, and if that is something we want, we can work towards it. I have seen this in my own marriage and can testify that is can happen.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSgLO9FYgxM

Marrying Eric was the easiest and smartest decision I have ever made. It might not always be easy, and I am sure I am not always the most ideal person to live with. I can be stubborn, overly opinionated, and emotional. Anyone who knew me in high school or even in college, knows that I do not like asking for help or even accepting it when it is offered. Being married, though, has begun to soften those rough edges, and I haven't even been married long. I know overtime, I will see even more blessings from our marriage and only be more grateful for the ways my marriage to Eric have changed me. I have been so blessed by my decision to listen to the Lord, instead of listening to the world. I am so blessed that Heavenly Father gives us what we need and not what we think we need or want. I am thankful to have Eric remind me of the important things and point me back to the Lord when I lose my vision of the bigger picture.

Pregnancy Week 18

Today I reached the 18 week mark! Yay! Two weeks from the half way point, and the baby should be about the size of a bell pepper! Why do they use food to compare babies too? If numbers are more helpful to you, the baby should be about 5 and  1/2 inches long and 7 ounces. If we were to do an ultrasound this second, they would be able to tell us the gender of the baby, unless the baby were to take after me and cover up during the ultrasound. I know, it is killing everyone to wait a few more weeks, but if Eric can wait a couple more weeks while listening to me talk about how I think it is a girl, everyone else can handle the suspense too. lol Eric keeps getting frustrated, because I  keep referring to the baby using female pronouns. He tells me that God has a sense of humor and is going to send a boy just because I keep saying it is a girl. It isn't like I want a girl more than a boy. I just want a healthy baby. I just feel like this baby has been enough trouble already, it must be a girl. lol But seriously, they say that a lot of morning sickness means girl. If that is true, it is most definitely a girl. Also the baby has a faster heart rate, which can also indicate girl. Either way, I am thrilled just to have the opportunity to bring such a blessing into our lives :)

Pictures from the 17 week mark

Everyone keeps telling me that the second trimester is the best. I can tell you it is definitely better than the first, but I think the part about having a sudden abundance of energy is some sort of twisted lie to get you past the morning sickness. I definitely haven't experienced an increase in energy at all. All I want to do is sleep and eat, but at least I can eat most of the time now. 

The best part of this trimester is that I can now feel the baby regularly! Our baby definitely is already full of opinions, and I can only blame myself for that. If a shower is too warm or I rest a cold drink on my stomach, it is quite clear how the baby feels about it. It will only be more fun as the baby gets stronger and Eric can understand what I am talking about.

Talking about Eric, he has been amazing this whole time. I mean, the guy who doesn't even like hearing stories about people being sick or getting injured (unless it is funny), has cleaned up throw up on more than one occasion without breaking a sweat, getting mad, or complaining. Eric also has been waking up early to take care of me so I can get out the door for work. He brings me breakfast in bed to help my morning sickness. He starts the car for me and scraps the ice of the windshield for me, so I have one less thing to do to get out the door on time for work. He has even become quite the chef, and when I have one of my hormonal break downs, for no apparent reason, he stifles a laugh and just hugs me. When I cry about not having accomplished anything on my list that day, Eric assures me that it is okay because taking care of myself is the most important thing I can do for our growing family. I mean, he is the kind of guy they base romance novels on... Sweet, funny, handsome, understanding, supportive, hard working, level headed. I could go on and on, but I am sure you get the idea. 

Being pregnant is definitely harder than I expected it to be, but I feel so blessed to have such a terrific husband and to have this chance to bring a new addition to our family. I am aware of how lucky I am, and try not to take any of it for granted. 

What No One Talks About

Eric and I always knew we wanted to one day have a big family. We are both 1 of 5, so to us it only makes sense that is the kind of environment we want our children to grow up in. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying we will have exactly five kids. I am not that naive. I know every family is different, and every woman's body handles pregnancy and child birth differently. We will see what happens and rely on the Lord to direct us in those kind of decisions, but we do see ourselves with a "bigger" family.

This summer that dream of ours had a scare. Eric and I had a surprise pregnancy. We were excited and nervous. We knew we weren't going to wait a whole lot longer before starting our family, but we just had not planned on it right then. Once we got over the shock though, we were thrilled and trusted in the Lord's timing. I know some people might not like hearing that, but that is how we felt. We were overwhelmed and completely thrilled. That didn't last long though.

A few days later, I lost our baby. Our first baby left before we could tell anyone, before anyone else could love her/him too. It was devastating and heart breaking. We were lost and confused. Looking back at this time, I feel so blessed to be married to Eric. He was gentle, sweet, understanding, and loving. When family members would try and ask when/if we were planning on expanding our family, Eric would answer for me and change the subject. When we would go to the store and see a couple with a baby, Eric wouldn't comment when I would randomly change directions to avoid following them to the milk section. I know a lot of woman experience worse things... long periods of unexplained infertility, still births, miscarriages further along, ect. I felt guilty for being so upset, but I had to realize that we are all entitled to experience grief in our own ways, and we can't compare our trials.

The other thing I had to learn was to stop playing the "what if" game. Before we knew I was pregnant, I was drinking a lot of coke. I wondered if that could have made a difference. I also had used some pretty heavy duty cleaners to clean the bathroom. Could that have hurt the baby? I had really really pushed myself when packing. I moved heavy things and pushed myself to exhaustion to get everything done. Had I done too much? What if it was all my fault? What if I wasn't spiritual enough for Heavenly Father to trust me with his spirit child? What if there was something drastically wrong wrong with me and we were never able to have children? Thousands of these questions plagued me. I knew logically that Heavenly Father had a plan and that everything happens for a reason. Logically, I knew that I didn't do anything wrong and there was nothing I could do to change things, but it is hard for the heart to except logic. There again, I am lucky to be married to Eric. He would listen to my fears and reassure me that Heavenly Father was aware of me. He would encourage me to turn to the Lord.

I can't say I am I grateful for this trial, and I can't say it is something I would repeat for the lessons I learned from it. What I can say is I have learned and grown from this experience. I can also say that it brought Eric and I closer together.

I know that I haven't told a lot of people about this and I don't expect anyone to read this. I just wish that this was a subject people talked about so that when you are going through it, you feel less alone. By writing this, I hope I can be more open about our experience in the future and hopefully be able to help someone else. I was lucky, I happened to be around several different woman who shared their stories while I was around, not knowing what I had gone through. It really helped to hear that what I went through was pretty common and so was my reaction.

Anyways, I feel that this post has lost steam and direction.
Eric and I are expecting again. This baby is due right in the middle of June. We are thrilled and grateful for the chance to be parents and to bring a special child of Heavenly Father's into this world. We are already in love with this baby and I know that he or she will never experience a shortage of love in this family. We also know that the baby from that first pregnancy is watching over our little family.

Quick Update on Life Since Marriage

Eric and I got married in the Draper Utah temple on August 24, 2013. In Mormon weddings a lot of things are different. One thing that is different is that before the wedding, while you wait for the guests to be seated, you get to sit together in another room together. It is a beautiful moment where you can just be together, in quiet before the hustle of the rest of the day.  I wasn't really nervous. I knew we were in the right place, at the right time. Eric, well, he was a little nervous. His leg was shaking the whole time. It was actually kind of  endearing. The whole ceremony was wonderful and personal. We can't tell you every person in the room that day or all the details of the reception, but we can still remember every feeling during the ceremony.

                                           

After the wedding, Eric and I moved to Georgia for our first year of marriage to find out what was making me so sick. Long story short, I ended up figuring it out without much help from the doctors. I was allergic to the formaldehyde linking out of everything from a new apartment and found out I have a gluten allergy. The best part of going to Georgia was Eric being able to hang out with my family and learn more about how growing up there shaped me. We loved the diversity and people there. Here are a few pictures from our adventures in the south.

(White water rafting in Tennessee, Stone Mountain hike and laser show, teaching primary, and trip to Atlantic Ocean)

            

                               

Now Eric and I are back in Idaho, where we met. We moved back so we would finish school faster than if we transferred to another school. We like church here a lot better than in Georgia. We actually have people here that are in the same phase of life, which is important to feel like you fit in. My schooling might be a little delayed still though. We just announced that we are expecting a baby in the middle of June. The picture below is how we announced to our parents on Christmas. It was funny to see how long it took different people to understand. Naturally everyone was excited, especially my sister. Her kids are ready for some cousins. I am currently 16 weeks pregnant, and our baby is about the size of an avocado. We will find out the gender in a couple weeks. I am starting to feel a little better, thank goodness, and have started to feel the baby move. It is starting to become more real now. We are a little nervous, but totally thrilled.

I think I covered the highlights, but I will make more posts as this pregnancy progresses (no worries, not going to give too much information).