Eric and I always knew we wanted to one day have a big family. We are both 1 of 5, so to us it only makes sense that is the kind of environment we want our children to grow up in. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying we will have exactly five kids. I am not that naive. I know every family is different, and every woman's body handles pregnancy and child birth differently. We will see what happens and rely on the Lord to direct us in those kind of decisions, but we do see ourselves with a "bigger" family.
This summer that dream of ours had a scare. Eric and I had a surprise pregnancy. We were excited and nervous. We knew we weren't going to wait a whole lot longer before starting our family, but we just had not planned on it right then. Once we got over the shock though, we were thrilled and trusted in the Lord's timing. I know some people might not like hearing that, but that is how we felt. We were overwhelmed and completely thrilled. That didn't last long though.
A few days later, I lost our baby. Our first baby left before we could tell anyone, before anyone else could love her/him too. It was devastating and heart breaking. We were lost and confused. Looking back at this time, I feel so blessed to be married to Eric. He was gentle, sweet, understanding, and loving. When family members would try and ask when/if we were planning on expanding our family, Eric would answer for me and change the subject. When we would go to the store and see a couple with a baby, Eric wouldn't comment when I would randomly change directions to avoid following them to the milk section. I know a lot of woman experience worse things... long periods of unexplained infertility, still births, miscarriages further along, ect. I felt guilty for being so upset, but I had to realize that we are all entitled to experience grief in our own ways, and we can't compare our trials.
The other thing I had to learn was to stop playing the "what if" game. Before we knew I was pregnant, I was drinking a lot of coke. I wondered if that could have made a difference. I also had used some pretty heavy duty cleaners to clean the bathroom. Could that have hurt the baby? I had really really pushed myself when packing. I moved heavy things and pushed myself to exhaustion to get everything done. Had I done too much? What if it was all my fault? What if I wasn't spiritual enough for Heavenly Father to trust me with his spirit child? What if there was something drastically wrong wrong with me and we were never able to have children? Thousands of these questions plagued me. I knew logically that Heavenly Father had a plan and that everything happens for a reason. Logically, I knew that I didn't do anything wrong and there was nothing I could do to change things, but it is hard for the heart to except logic. There again, I am lucky to be married to Eric. He would listen to my fears and reassure me that Heavenly Father was aware of me. He would encourage me to turn to the Lord.
I can't say I am I grateful for this trial, and I can't say it is something I would repeat for the lessons I learned from it. What I can say is I have learned and grown from this experience. I can also say that it brought Eric and I closer together.
I know that I haven't told a lot of people about this and I don't expect anyone to read this. I just wish that this was a subject people talked about so that when you are going through it, you feel less alone. By writing this, I hope I can be more open about our experience in the future and hopefully be able to help someone else. I was lucky, I happened to be around several different woman who shared their stories while I was around, not knowing what I had gone through. It really helped to hear that what I went through was pretty common and so was my reaction.
Anyways, I feel that this post has lost steam and direction.
Eric and I are expecting again. This baby is due right in the middle of June. We are thrilled and grateful for the chance to be parents and to bring a special child of Heavenly Father's into this world. We are already in love with this baby and I know that he or she will never experience a shortage of love in this family. We also know that the baby from that first pregnancy is watching over our little family.
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