Reality Check

I recently had someone compliment me on “rocking it through quarantine”. You would think I would take that as a compliment, but it honestly made me feel sick to my stomach. I have been posting crafts I have done with the girls, activities we have done in our backyard, and funny things that Allison has said. I have been posting my highlights, and those highlights have painted a very unauthentic picture. Truth is, I want to share the real emotions and struggles. Most people have stopped checking in with me. I do think they occasionally ask my parents or Eric, but I am not sure. I do get asked for advice or my opinion, but rarely does anyone ask me how I am actually doing. Somewhere between 90-95% of my conversations are from me reaching out to others. Since I am the one asking the questions, seeking the connection, the full story doesn’t come out. 

I will call my mom and my sister when I am really angry about a situation, but even to them, I don’t share the full story. I think most people are happy to assume that there isn’t anything deeper than my social media posts. I think they want to see the funny and happy things and wouldn’t appreciate the darker, safer stuff. The people who might want a more complete view are people I don’t want to worry, especially since they can’t come visit during this quarantine anyways.  

But for the sake of authenticity, no, I am not rocking quarantine. Quarantine is hard for almost everyone. Quarantine while grieving is another level. Experiencing such a deep and personal loss is isolating. I know that losing my baby affected other people. Cayden is more than my baby. He is a brother, a grandchild, a first grandson, a nephew, a cousin, etc. Some people do feel that loss, but many of them expressed that what hurt the most was seeing how much this loss hurt us. For us what hurts the most isn’t seeing how much this loss hurts each other. It is actually helpful when I see Eric grieve. I don’t want him to hurt, but it is nice to know that I am not alone in this. What actually hurts the most is desperately aching to know the baby we had to bury. Would he have been athletic and stubborn like his daddy? Would he have been blessed with an ability to remember and love every person who ever entered his life like Allison? Would he have had an infectious laugh and mischievous grin like Brielle? I don’t have answers for who Cayden would have been on earth or who he is in heaven. I don’t know why he couldn’t stay. I would do anything to get those answers.

So while  you might see the final product of crafts with the girls or see pictures of girls playing in the sunshine, there is so much you don’t see.

You don’t see how guilty I feel anytime I am less than the perfect parent, because I know I would rather deal with a trillion tantrums, dirty diapers, and messes than live in a world without my two little blonde tornadoes.

You don’t see how I sneak into my girls’ room after Eric falls asleep because my anxiety tells me that they might stop breathing in their sleep or a fire in the night might separate us... and what if I am as clueless to their need for help as I was to Cayden’s... I couldn’t survive that.

(From left to right as Allison would label them: Papa Steve, Grandma Sheryl Winterton, Daddy, momma, Ally Mae, Brielle, Cayden, and “new baby”.)

You didn’t see me ask Allison who the people in her family portraits are and see how hard it was for me to keep a straight face as my heart dropped to the floor after she said “This one is Cayden! You can tell because I gave him spiky hair like daddy. Oh, and this bald one is the new baby we need to have. I didn’t give the new baby hair since I don’t know if it needs girl hair or boy hair.” Totally gut wrenching.

You didn’t see how confused Allison was when I told her I couldn’t promise her a new baby. 

You didn’t see the panic attack she had a few days later when all the confusion, hurt, and other emotions finally built up to a point she couldn’t contain in her almost 5 year old body any longer. You didn’t see how I silently cried as I rocked her to sleep that night because I remember my first panic attack and Allison is far too little for that. And is her panic attack my fault? Did I give her faulty genetics or have I handled this entire situation poorly? Maybe both? 

You didn’t see the hours I spent trying to prepare spiritually to receive an answer, any answer, to my prayers or see the many, many activities I planned to keep my girls happy and semi quiet during general conference, just to have them spend sooo much time purposefully annoying each other and fighting that I barely heard anything at all. You didn’t see how that made me feel defeated and abandoned, and how I cried for hours and hours  that night.

Did you know that Monday marked 3 months since Cayden was born sleeping? Probably not. 

You haven’t read any of my blogs posts where I have tried to be authentic, because I haven’t linked them to my Facebook. Partly because I don’t want to worry people... and partly because another part of me is scared that it will reaffirm my feelings of isolation and abandonment... even though I know people are good and do care.

Grief, isolation, anxiety, PSTD, and quiet honestly, the voice of the adversary all jumble up in my brain. I have to regularly sit down and sort out what thoughts are what and give myself a reality check.

Fact: The people in my life are good. Even if they don’t think to check in or don’t ask the right questions when they do check in, they haven’t forgotten or abandoned me. There is no manual for how to navigate this situation.

Fact: No one attends the funeral for a baby they never met for any reason other than they care about the parents of that baby... and so many more people came to Cayden’s funeral than I ever expected. We received so many beautiful messages, gifts, and cards.

Fact: My brain lies to me. A lot. 

Fact: Satan lies to me too. I know a lot of people don’t believe in Satan anymore, but he is very real. His greatest trick has been convincing the world he never existed. Before his fall, he was someone many of us looked up to. It is totally possible that we might have confided in him. Since he didn’t go through the veil, he knows our weakness, maybe even better than we know for ourselves. He might even know what God’s plan for us on earth is... something to ponder in your own time.

Fact: Heavenly Father is aware of me and He hasn’t abandoned me. The atonement is real and through the atonement at least one other person in the universe understands what I feel. 

Fact: Temple blessings are real. If I keep trying my best, I can be with my entire family one day, Cayden included.

This was written in stream of consciousness so it might be confusing or unorganized. Excuse the typos.

I guess the point of this post is that social media isn’t a complete view of anyone’s life and we shouldn’t assume it is. Even with this post, there are some things that didn’t get brought up for sake of time or the need to process somethings alone. 

Let’s check in on people. Ask how they are really doing. And let’s give each other and ourselves grace. This is a hard time for everyone and many people have more going on under my the surface than we know.